Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
