Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
