That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
