yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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