Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
