just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Found your dick twin last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
