3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This baby is an asshole
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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