I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's shark week go big or go home
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
