it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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