If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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