I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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