I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
