She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
