she woke up with a sticky ear
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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