I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
