Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
