i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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