I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
