It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
