I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
