Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
