they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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