I could make wine with my vomit
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
