If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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