Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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