remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
