You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i dont even know how to be here
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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