Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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