pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
