i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize