During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
