Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
