Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I believe in your delicious
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
