Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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