You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
