So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
