Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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