Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
