Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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