Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
