dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
