Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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