She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize