everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
