she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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