I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
