Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My vagina is officially offended.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize