Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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