I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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