sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
