Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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