can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
