i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
