Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
