i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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