you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
