I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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