I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
