margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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