Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
