he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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