does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How does one acquire holy water?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
