i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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